Christmas jokes

[Seriously]

Ok, this one isn't that christmassy , but our southern hemisphere friends might find it funny:

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks,' But... What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[Nokie]

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A: Claustrophobic.

[cabfrank]

Great start, should be a great thread!

[Raza]

Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit takes all the credit.

[Raza]

What's the best Christmas in the world?
A broken drum. You just can't beat it.

[CanadianStraps]

[Chase]

[T Bone]

I have this on a T Shirt somewhere....

[synequano]

This one's for new year



Hope this did not happen to any of you...

[Seriously]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of redhead matches.
His little face lit up when he tried to walk... Unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bar-stewards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ......... Some of us have got homes to go to!'


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... Chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Chicken, please.'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bar-steward, I was talking to the cat!'