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Thread: Watch Slob Volume 2 - Take 2

  1. #1

    Watch Slob Volume 2 - Take 2

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    Welcome to the second edition of the internet's slowest growing, horologically focused, website. After the less than enthusiastic reception of our first issue we asked ourselves “What do "watch people" really want to read about?”. The answer of course was Rolex. But we felt we needed a new slant – something that only the investigative team here at the Watchslob could unearth. As reported in our last issue, our industrial spy, S.P. deMaster , has disappeared after breaking into the Omega Speedmaster ‘Graveyard’. Last week, however, we received a call from a collector of Rolex advertising. We were only slightly intrigued but once our Dallas society editor, Tiffany Boufont, sent us the outline of her story we knew we had a winner.

    Reclusive Texas oilman JR Earwig collects Rolex advertising, but many people do that. What sets his collection apart is the rarity of his pieces – most from small, now out of print, publications but he also has proofs and paste ups of ads that failed to garner approval and watch models that never saw production .


    We arrived at the Earwig ranch – Southspoon, just as the oil baron came home from picking his wife up from school. While he was depressed over Mrs. Earwig’s failure to pass enough classes to graduate again Miss Buffy was thrilled that she had been chosen Head Cheerleader for the 12th straight year and had put together a special cheer just for our visit!
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    JR showed us into his study which is covered with watch advertisements from the Golden Age of Rolex. “What you need to unnerstand,” drawled JR” is that Rolex hasn’t had a new watch in….. well, a Hell of a long time. They just keep making the same basic watches over and over. Same goes for their magazine ads – they find one that works and then they modify it just enough to make people think they’s a new watch in the line up”. To demonstrate his point, we walked over to a framed set by the bar.

    “Here you go – see them Brit’s - if they ain’t watchin’ “Top Gear”, are drinkin’ themselves cross eyed. So Rolex took their toughest watch, the Submariner, dug up an ad in their archives, and slicked up a special “Brit’s Only” ad and BINGO! Got this’n out of the islands top sellin’ magazine –

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    “Now, sweetheart, what we have here is pure and simple marketing genius – knowing there were only so many big wigs a’buyin’ “Presidents” those sneaky boy’s in Geneva introduced a watch for the rest of the world and even collaborated with Time magazine for the product launch – pure savvy, darlin’ pure savvy. Copied their own ad again too!”



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    Pausing to light a long Cuban cigar, JR thoughtfully blew a perfect smoke ring at the display to our right. “The ‘60’s was rough on ‘spensive products like Rolex’s and they watched their sales drop faster than the maid’s panties on the Mrs’ bridge playin’ day. Tudor sales were down too – to ‘Royal’ soundin’, don’t cha know. Again though, they reworked a slow seller, the Milgauss, added some a them thar psyhco – delic colors an’ damned if they didn’t create a whole new brand. Made them out thar in San Fran cisco, before all the hair dressers moved out thar an ruined the place. This un took some effort by the ad boys – they wanted to reuse a “If you worked here..” ad but them hippies didn’t know squat about work, Hell, they didn’t know squat about showers either – probably why they couldn’t get a job.”

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    “Yessir, that whole dope stuff didn’t last and men – real men – got back into real bidness. Workin’ hard and workin’ late has a bad effect on a man’s………………..well what I’m tryin’ to say is these here fellers were workin’ so long that they had to rush through normal man stuff, if ya know what I mean sweetcakes. Sho’ nuff, them crafty Swiss bastards found a way to make a buck off of red blooded Americans an’ their humiliatin’ inability to ride a filly for more than a few furlongs. It was just an old DJ but they renamed it the PE – that’s a medical term, don’t cha know. An’ agin – they just whitewashed some old ad copy too.”


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    Pausing to blow the suds off the Lone Star he had just poured, JR looked around and said “This reminds me of an ad from a few years ago – right over here. All that prosperity opened up new markets – get ‘em young was the motto of the time. Rather than actually make a new watch though, Rolex simply repainted a buncha dials from unsold Tudor mini-subs, again slapped some new copy on an old ad, and created the Tubmariner. I even bought little JR Jr. a few, cute as the dickens.”


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    “Now,” JR gestured majestically, “here is my greatest treasure, the only existing mock up of the original ad for the Air Queen. Omega was strutting around waving Neil Armstrong and that Moon landing bidness in their faces. Rolex don’t liken to suckin’ hind tit, so they up an hired a real man, Chuck Yeager. Why, Armstrong was just a pretty boy tippy toein' in the dust compared to Yeager, that boy could fly a rocket strapped between his legs and not scratch his boots! But he just had too much of that testyroon for yankees so the
    the German advertising company of Gnaught, Kwheit, & Goodenhoff, developed a spin-off of the Yeager ads. Only ran in one magazine too! Had to trade a coupla Lange’s and a passel of Panerai’ for this beauty, but in came with the inter-office sticky notes.

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    There was more to see but Tiffany was late for her daily hair-spraying appointment.
    Last edited by Donf; Jul 28, 2015 at 10:33 PM.

  2. #2
    The Dude Abides Nokie's Avatar
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    Very nice. Very funny. Great post.
    "Either He's Dead, Or My Watch Has Stopped....."
    Groucho Marx

  3. #3
    Member wschofield3's Avatar
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    I don't use the word often, but that was awesome. Thanks for the laughs!

  4. #4
    hmmmnnn... Tubmariner...

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  6. #5
    Clever! A bit hard to follow with all the missing attachments, though. Funny read, nonetheless!


    ~Sherry.
    Eterna | Tudor | Seiko | Casio | G-Shock | Orient | Swatch | Mondaine | Zodiac (pre-Fossil) | Rolex | Wenger | Pulsar Time Computer | Omega | Timex | Bucherer | Citizen | Bulova | Glycine

  7. #6
    Too funny! Well done.

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